She can laugh at the days to come…

Proverbs woman. what a strange relationship I’ve had with the ideal woman in proverbs 31. I’ve looked at her with admiration and awe, envy, frustration, anger, possibly some derision and definitely some disbelief.  Who is this chick? Can you imagine what her Pinterest would look like, or wait she wouldn’t have one, she’s probably too busy being awesome for that!
I now realize she probably had help, much more than the strung out American woman who feels she can’t delegate for a variety of reasons.  Proverbs woman was probably surrounded by community and also understood running a household meant delegating.
Anyway, the part I’m thinking on tonight is that great line that says “she can laugh at the days ahead”.
Whoa. Who is this lady?  Most women I know worry and worry a lot if I’m honest. I think it’s evident in a lot if “momversation” perhaps even fueling the so called mommy wars. We couch it in wanting to find out what’s best for our kids, but I think a lot of us are looking for approval about our mothering choices or at worst looking to make ourselves feel better about them by judging someone else’s. To this day I feel self conscious giving my baby a bottle both because fear of judgment and a nagging fear that somehow that bottle means he’ll be fat and divorced when he’s 40! (That’s a whole other post) This is where envy creeps in towards Mrs P31.

She just laughs at the days ahead? What?  But hasn’t she thought of all the horrible things that could happen?
I must confess my heart is grieved at how little I seem to trust God sometimes.  Haven’t I been doing this long enough, shouldn’t I be less afraid by now?  I’m really confronted by the fact that motherhood has stirred up more fear than faith in me. I love those two kids so much, I sometimes think of all the worst case scenarios.  I read a news story or hear a scary prayer request or read a heartfelt blog entry about some tragedy someone went through and I face panic, what if God makes me go though that?!
Maybe the greatest thing about that woman in Proverbs is the fact that she doesn’t seem to think thoughts like that? She trusts God so she can delight in life and not fear the future. Now more than all the other great things about her, I want that! I’m tired of having such a diminished view of God. Like somehow he’s just waiting to torment me. Can tragedy happen? Of course, but I know the fact he is sovereign is not reason for me to distrust or freak out, it’s reason to live,  to laugh even. Like my daughter, she’s a super confident kid. I like to think that’s because she feels pretty safe, safe in our love for her and care for her. She laughs a lot and runs into the world with open arms. I should feel the same way in my heavenly father’s care.
Motherhood I admit has really made that harder.  It’s a whole new challenge in my fight with fear.  I’m fighting though. I want my kids, perhaps especially my daughter, to see that fight, to know it’s not OK to live in fear and worry, to not laugh it off as part of a mom’s job or something. No our job is to trust the Lord, even in the face of that worst case scenario,  or just in the face of a messy house, or too many bodily fluids or temper tantrums,  whatever it is, our job is to trust. I really want to be the laughing Mom, don’t you?

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Aaah spring. ..

It’s been a long, hard winter round these parts. The weather has been relentless and bitterly cold. A harsh world for a newborn. We’ve hidden away inside.  It’s been hard adjusting to life with a baby and preschooler too. I won’t lie, those first couple months I wondered what had become of my life.  Once active and fun, I felt trapped by just how hard it is getting out the door with 2 kids!!!
Now as spring finally bursts through the last gloomy days of winter, I take a deep breath and feel like I’m shaking the gloom off of me. Yes getting in and out of the car is still the worst part of the day, and it’s really tough going anywhere that will take us out of the house for more than a couple hours because it messes with Lukes schedule, which I usually end up paying for in the middle of the night (so if I don’t come to anything its because my kid and I need sleep!), but things are easier. It’s not quite so overwhelming,  and I’m learning how to just eliminate anything I don’t need in my life right now so I can enjoy this time.
Today we got outside and as we took in the warm sunshine and green grass I thought these days just have to be some of the best of my life. I mean I had great days before kids, and I’m sure there are awesome and sweet days and seasons ahead, but looking at these tiny people right where they are at, as challenging as they are right now,  I can’t imagine it really gets better than this in our earthly life? 
I don’t want to romanticize child rearing, it’s tough stuff, but the hard things are the best things I think.  The more we open our life to sacrifice for others the richer our lives are, and parenthood can be the most vulnerable, sacrificial endeavor there is. (Sadly, not everyone sees parenthood as a calling, so it is a choice how much we let it change and enrich us) Life was so much easier before I had 2 kids. David and I accidentally refer to life before our kids as “when we were single” so sharp is the divide between life then and now. It was easier but it wasn’t sweeter.  It was easier, but it wasn’t half as full, even tho I traveled the world and did pretty much whatever I wanted, it was nothing compared to the crazy mess it is now 🙂

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