Being Seen

I never thought much about Hagar, the slave girl who had Abraham’s other kid in Genesis 16. I was captivated by the name she gave God, “the God who sees”, and the fact that this random Egyptian is woven into the telling of God’s story in such a way, but its not like we had anything in common. Her story is so removed from mine, I mean slavery, sleeping with a married man so you can give your master a child, its all pretty weird and foreign.
Feeling unseen though, I’m starting to notice that. I’m not one who craves the spotlight by any means, but as a mom to very young children I’ve noticed this feeling of being put off in a desert sometimes 😉 
Moms, you may get this sense, your always off nursing in a corner ( doesn’t exactly make you the life of the party), or you feel you can’t converse even with other moms because you are all looking after your kids all the time, even when you plan those playdates more to be with other moms, you just have to mom so much you can’t talk! It can make you feel a bit lost at times can’t it? I mean hey sometimes it works in your favor,  anytime you dont want to talk or do something I suppose your kids can need your attention, but after months of this you may feel decidedly unseen.
This is not a cry of losing your identity and needing to get a job to find it or anything like that, I don’t feel I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t need to be on a stage, I don’t need to do a big dance number after David says “no one puts Amanda in a corner”, but I do need to be reminded in the midst of the chaos and hard work, God sees.
God. Sees. Me. He sees the effort, the wins and the losses and he knows, he knows what goes on in my heart and mind. He knows what it means to love sacrificially, he knows it far far better than I ever will. He designed me for this and he sees. It’s just so nice to hear it isn’t it? He sees. So I’m very thankful that a slave girl in the desert,  pretty much a bajillion years ago, was seen and called God the God who sees her. It reminds all of us, we are seen. Moms take heart, he is the one who sees and cares for you.

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2 weeks, 2 kids

There is a faint smell of baby spit up, I don’t know where it is coming from exactly, but it has followed me today. I can let it slide, it feels like everything is sliding sometimes. I’m determined to learn from this and practice peace in the Lord during this time. I mean it, peace no matter what! Lol
I can’t believe it’s only been 2 weeks since Luke was born. In many ways it seems weird to think of a time he wasn’t around. Also, these two weeks have felt pretty long. Maybe it’s the 24 hour nature of newborn care, combined with the action packed life of a two year old that is stretching things out. Still, time is moving. A mom always has to remind herself, savor this, even the hard parts, because they grow so fast. Luke has already gone from 7.9 lbs to 8.5, he’s going to be out of those newborn diapers in no time! I know it’s going fast, I know this squishy little baby is in my arms such a short time, but wow it is hard to get anything done around here!
The first week was a blur, the circumstances with the nicu and everything probably didn’t help, plus the lack of sleep and postpartum discomfort combined to make me kind of out of it. This week I feel more like me. Still more postpartum discomfort than I remember from Leia, I feel I bounced back a lot faster with her, but mentally things are becoming a little clearer. Also, I’ll admit, emotionally I was kind of a wreck for a while there, sleep and stress I’m sure were at work, but a lot of it felt like crazy hormones too, being a woman ain’t easy! I feel a return to sanity.
Luke seems to be getting into his schedule and getting night and day sorted out which helps immensely too.
With Leia I was probably more intentional about guiding her into that,  but with Luke it took me a little longer to focus enough to try and get that schedule going.
I know I’m getting somewhere,  I’ll find a groove right? I like order you see. I had a good cleaning schedule going, activities for Leia, regular exercise, etc, etc. Not sure what I expected, but I am always resetting my expectations at the moment! It’s going to take a while to get a routine, longer than I thought.
Feeding, that seems to rule the day right now. Everything revolves around Luke eating. That’s difficult for me I admit. I struggle with that, but how can I thrive living in these 2 or three hour increments? Feeding times are definitely an invitation to slow down, to focus on baby or quiet my thoughts and pray, well depending on what Leia is doing anyway. Leia, my sweet girl, it’s been tough trying to be all there for her, and she has kind of been pushing boundaries and behaving differently. That’s a priority for me, focus on her heart and obedience, but I feel I’m doing everything with both hands tied behind my back right now. It’s tough work right now, but good work. It is good. The things really worth giving yourself to are not easy right? This is the arena God has called me to pour myself into right now. I think these two weeks have actually been one of the best lessons I’ve had on grace.