Luke and the NICU

I think I can write about this now. I feel like it will probably do me good, like writing out a birth story, it just helps to process things.
Luke was born 10:35 AM November 19th. That night he was having lots of tummy troubles,  but also wanting to eat hourly. It was just me and him in the hospital, as David needed to be with Leia. I was actually kind of looking forward to the hospital stay for one on one time with Luke before integrating everything else into the mix.
Though, there is not much less restful than a night in a maternity ward, how many people can come into your room and poke at you for different reasons or ask you questions in a 24 hour period? I know there are reasons for it and after all my blood pressure excitement pre birth I’m thankful for the concern just in case.
Anyway, I was not getting sleep. And didn’t get much during labor as you can imagine, so as luke refused to be laid down I was running on empty. I should have known that. Should have sent him to the nursery for a bit I suppose or had the lights on or something,  I just thought I was doing ok. When nurses would come in I was always coherent and polite. It was easy to wake, but also easy to drift off to sleep. It happened around 2 AM, my hospital bed was tilted up so I was sitting somewhat and just holding him upright against me in the burping position. I know that much, I was holding him like that because otherwise he would cry. The next thing I remember is hearing his cry and seeing him on the floor. Ok still hard to relive this. For days I really couldn’t get that sight from my mind. He was so tiny, not even a day old, a surge of adrenaline of course. I called the nurse in to look at him, hoping it would be nothing, but he had a bump and so she took him to special care and a ct scan. It was the longest night. I couldn’t sleep waiting. I was exhausted and terrified and appalled at what had happened. I was kind of frozen and in shock just waiting for news. I didn’t call David.  I didn’t hsve any answers and really couldn’t bring myself to talk about it at that point.
Finally, they told me he seemed ok but the pediatrician would talk with me in the morning about the results of the scan.
In the meantime they were to keep the baby in the nursery except for feedings. I knew I had to sleep but I felt ashamed and perceived as unfit then. Luke was monitored thru the night.
The next day the dr finally came in. I got the news they needed to transport him to the nicu at the children’s hospital for more scans and tests. That there was no sign yet of anything serious but there was a fracture and it could turn more serious.
I really was losing it.
Finally I talked to David. He kind of went into shock as well , he really didn’t listen to everything I was telling him.
My worst nightmare was to have a baby in the NICU, a new baby I couldn’t cuddle and keep near me. I felt guilty and helpless.  When they came to transport him it was awful he was in the biggest scariest incubator you can imagine, with all kinds of oxygen tanks and things. David called it Luke’s X wing.They took him by ambulance to dayton childrens.
Such a blur, the hospital quickly dismissed me so I could go. Though david made me take a nap at home while he went to be with luke first. Wise to be sure, but I felt horrible doing it.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The world just kind of stopped I felt so horrible, and totally in shock.  I mean I had just given birth and then all this, I just couldn’t process it.
Thankfully the fraction looked to be the type that would heal naturally on its own and Luke seemed fine. I cringe everytime I think of the fear and pain I may have caused him that night, but I’m thankful he’s a normal healthy baby and he only had one night in the NICU. I could see God’s hand in all kinds of details when I was going through those couple of days, and even though I was a wreck I know he was with us!
Mom’s rooming in with baby is great, but don’t be afraid to let the babe go to the nursery for a couple hours 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Luke and the NICU

  1. Amanda, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! It’s one of those things you always wish you could go back in time and change, but try not to be hard on yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Remember to forgive and love yourself. I’m so glad to hear you’re both ok.

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