Some questions I have asked myself over the past couple of weeks:
1. How long have I had baby poo on my hand?! It had been awhile since the last changing Changing tables should have sinks attached.
2. Will I ever blow dry my hair again?
3. Shower, eat or sleep? The clock is ticking!!
4. Why is she crying? How can I get her to stop??
5. What day of the week is it?
6. Is she crying, or am I hearing things, or dreaming?
Leia is really a good baby. I am still getting a decent amount of sleep. It is amazing how constantly I care for her though. I of course knew that would be the case, but are you ever really prepared for a life change like this? Really it is more than a change of circumstances, it has totally changed me! It is amazing how both very easy and difficult it is to put her first and take care of her 24/7. It is totally natural and I can’t imagine doing anything else, but it is also overwhelming too. Like with the labor, I sometimes feel like “is this really me doing all this?” Before I go to sleep I worry what if I fall asleep so hard I don’t hear her? At three AM I feel so groggy when I do hear her I wonder how I can get up and take care of her, but as soon as I go in and pick her up somehow I am capable of feeding and changing and all that. It is a wonderful moment when I see her little face scrunched up and crying and as soon as I pick her up she stops (not that it always works that way, but most of the time in the night she just wants to eat and must know the food is delivered when I get there!)
The feeding I would say is the biggest thing right now. It is pretty constant and I feel our lives revolve around it. No matter what is going on she needs to eat when she needs to eat, regardless of who is in town or what I want to do. I have to find some kind of privacy and stop everything. We have not seemed to have real difficulty yet with breastfeeding though, so for that I am thankful. I am also thankful for the mom and daughter moments that it guarantees too. I mean it is pretty much the mom and daughter show all the time I suppose, but there is something special about those times when I feed her. It is just sometimes I do feel like more of a milk machine than a person. I am really not a fan of the milk leakage. Changing her diaper at 3 am one night I feel something dripping on my foot. At first I think “is she peeing on me?” I survey the scene and realize this just isn’t possible, I mean even if she was a boy this would not be possible. Then I think “is there a leak in the ceiling?” Mystified I start looking up at the ceiling wondering how their could be a leak when it isn’t even raining and then I realize, oh the leak is coming from me! A lot of thinking for a 3 AM diaper change.
Life is still feeling kind of dream like though, all the sleepiness, fuzzy brain, and hygiene issues aside, I can’t believe she is here and she is mine. I can’t believe I get to take care of her every day. It has been hard to find a routine with the healing process and also with so many relatives and friends visiting, but I know that will slowly unfold. I do what I can do when I can do it. I still keep lists just to remind myself of the things I want to get done when I get the chance and the energy to do something, but nothing on the list gets to be very urgent yet. Laundry seems to be the thing I have to do no matter what. Her little clothes get dirty fast and we are doing cloth diapers. I have really not found the cloth diapering to be too much of a challenge though and am happy with the choice to go that direction for sure. I would encourage anyone thinking about it to try it. I also use reusable wipes and find that easiest with the cloth diapers because it all just goes in the same diaper pail and washing machine.
One thing that really should be moved to urgent action item on my mental list is getting my non-pregnant clothes out! I have like two pairs of jeans and three shirts it seems like. I really don’t want to be a total frump and I don’t want to wear my maternity clothes anymore, so a clothing shift needs to happen this week for sure. Happily, I really don’t think I gained much weight other than actual baby weight. The jeans I wore before I was preggy fit no problem. There was one good thing about that first trimester misery in which I lost 10 pounds I suppose.