I am a list person. I am the kind of girl that loves crossing things off to do lists so much that if I do something not on a list, I might write it down just to cross it off! Well, motherhood has changed my lists for sure. I still try and make lists, my fuzzy mind scribbling the most simple things down so I won’t forget them, but it takes so much longer to get through the list, and in reality my daily list should look like this:
Wash yourself and brush your teeth, change clothes at some point…
Stare at, and talk to that gorgeous little baby who seems to change everyday!
This seems to be about all I can really handle. There seems to be several reasons for this. First of all, though my peanut sleeps really well for a newborn I did just go through a 30 hour labor (see my last post for gory details) and I figure I am working off a sleep deficit while not sleeping through the night and trying to let my body heal. Sometimes I will do a burst of work of some kind or go somewhere and then bam I am hit with major fatigue. Plus, there is the soreness from the stitches and such, so I can only move so much. Then of course there is my main priority Leia Juliet. I am learning how to care for her, and she needs to eat every 2-3 hours in general. This pretty much immobilizes me at this point since we are both getting the hang of it (can’t wait until we can do that while she is in the Moby wrap and I am standing up, I will feel like a breastfeeding pro when that day comes!) and can take anywhere from 20-40 minutes, depending on her hunger or how hard she is to get to stay awake. Gotta get her to burp, and then at least one diaper change after each feeding of course and then I have to help her go down for a nap or at least be in a peaceful state before I can sit her down. The process takes a while and has to be done when it needs to be done pretty much. Confession, I was so starving today (also comes with the breastfeeding) I let her cry for like five minutes while I gobbled some food, I felt dizzy and she quieted herself anyway :). I love her so much and I love getting to know her and take care of her, but you can see how this gets in the way of a to do list. Finally, there are the emotions. I stare at Leia all the time, but sometimes that makes me cry! She is so awesome and it is just so overwhelming that she is mine and came out of me! Then there is the crying that comes from nowhere and seems to make no sense. I thought pregnancy made me emotional, but the postpartum emotions are way more intense. I don’t feel depressed, many times I am crying happy tears, but I don’t know it is what it is right now I guess.
So there is a new rhythm to my life I have to get used to, and I get the feeling that as soon as I do the rhythm might change again. Leia and I are growing and learning together right now and I know I need to give myself grace in this time and ask for guidance from the Lord everyday, not only on how to best care for her, but how much I should do. I want to get out and get with other people so we don’t get isolated, but I also need to heal and rest too, so I definitely need balance, and maybe to lay off the lists for a while, or limit myself to only so many action items a day.