OK, so the on and off nausea is definitely a drag. I mean so much of my life is still focused on trying to not get sick right now, but all that is left of me is thinking of baby. I really really really want to know this child and hold it and talk to it and dress it up and take it out and post its pics on facebook, etc etc etc. Everything I do anymore, I think oh I can’t wait to do this with the baby or oh won’t this be challenging to do with a baby. The gender thing is also killing me, being a boy or girl is such an elemental part of who we are, as I pray for the baby and think about his or her future, the whole not knowing if its a boy or girl is a huge stumbling block there for me! I know I shouldn’t whine, when not long ago no one knew until the baby was actually born, but aaaah I want to know!
When i first thought of getting pregnant, really since I was first married, I just had this idea I would have a boy first, but over the last several months I will say it is getting hard for me to not think of the baby as a she. So if it is indeed not a she I really want to know so I can start thinking he thoughts!!!
I know this will be over really quickly all things considered, so I am trying to enjoy the being pregnant part too (though the throwing up thing is really hard to celebrate), but how can I really think of anything else while this tiny person is growing inside me (or while I am feeling so icky because of being pregnant?)? I daydream about the baby all the time, kind of like being in love I guess, when all you think about is that person and its just you and them apart from the whole world in a way. It also really helps me get through all the symptoms of being preggers too. So much to wonder about, aside from all the practical things to think about, whose eye color will baby have? What kind of personality will they start to show? What will their first words be? I can’t wait to go swimming and take the baby in the ocean! I love to think of David holding the baby too and thinking of father/daughter dates, or father/son hikes. One thought leads to another, and every conversation, everything I do seems to bring me back to baby.
One of the many crazy things about pregnancy that I am finding is that it is a highly individualized experience at some points. I mean sure I feel comraderie with women who have gone through it and at times opinions of ladies who have are the only ones I care about. As helpful as it is to hear about others experiences, everyone deals with pregnancy differently and I just can’t let how other people felt or didn’t feel guide my expectations so much for what I will experience.
Right now I just hit 16 weeks, and about a week ago I had a couple days where I really didn’t have nausea to speak of. I thought I was through the danger zone and ready to soar into 2nd trimester action mode. I have thrown up every morning this week though, and I have never felt a burst of energy. I feel better, but not like the superwoman I wanted to be at this point. I am having to think that maybe if things don’t really change over the next couple of weeks I might not be feeling as great as I thought I would. When I got pregnant I really had visions of being a perfect pregnant woman, exercising everyday, eating nothing but unprocessed healthy foods and getting my house in perfect order, reading every book on all things baby etc etc. Um that has not been the case, I have spent a lot of time on the couch pretty much and I have mentioned that organic broccoli isn’t exactly one of the things I crave. So what do I take away from this? I am trying to be thankful for the times when I feel a little better of course and trying to also be thankful when I am not, trying to focus on how much I love my baby and how grateful I am to be pregnant no matter what. I fight getting nervous about being prepared, I thought this would be my time to zoom around doing all the things I couldnt do during the first trimester (esp. getting the baby’s room going, it is not a baby room right now at all) but right now I am still working on just getting through work and trying to do basic things like go into the kitchen to get a glass of milk without hurling. So a good time to think about how dependent I am on the Lord and also a good time to think about what makes me a good Mom and wife and child of God, it can’t be cooking and housework and entertaining right now, and maybe for me that is a good thing. It is too easy for us to fall into letting the things we do define us and give us worth, so maybe it is intentional on God’s part that some of those things are taken away from me during this time when I would really like to ramp all those things up.
Also, it is a good lesson in taking things day by day and realizing you get enough grace for each day and that is what you need.
So I still have hope this week will bring a concrete change, but if it doesn’t well I am sure there are things to learn from it all.
Finally, though it was been stretching for David and I marriage wise, he has been great at changing his expectations too and instead of going to movies doing the dishes or making dinner, so I am sure though it doesn’t seem ideal for us it might be a good learning curve before baby comes and our time together changes in a whole new set of ways.
A little rocky today, I have been feeling so much better, but this morning really had a wave of nausea. I just get discouraged because from descriptions I heard it sounded like you just wake up one day and don’t feel nauseated anymore. Now I am fine sometimes and not good other times and that is frustrating in its own way. So my approach is to just try and be thankful for the good times no matter what happens now. I just hit 15 weeks, hoping that it just truly disappears, but if by some chance it doesn’t well “keep calm and carry on”! God made all of us different, and each pregnancy is different, so who knows exactly how it will all play out for me.
It is better for sure though and that is great. And no matter how bad it has been I really am excited and never once have wished I was not pregnant. So looking forward to feeling baby moves going on, I read that could happen as early as 16 weeks, though first time Moms are not often as adept at distinguishing baby moves from other tummy moves at that point. My tummy is far from normal lately as well I have been reading up on fetal development and infant development, not always because it is the most practical thing to focus on (I should probably be reading more about actual taking care of the baby) but because it is just so fascinating to me. This is hardly hidden info, but I just found out that by 15 weeks if you shine a flashlight at your belly the baby moves away from the light. So crazy all that is going on in my tummy! I like reading about all the amazing things researchers have found out about babies in the womb and brand new babies, it helps me to really grasp just how human this little being inside me is. I am so amazed I am able to be the vessel so to speak to bring this little person into the world. I just can’t wait to meet him or her in person. Seriously, I know the whole nine month thing is probably a good thing, but a lot of times I wish I could just have the baby now (not that I want it to be premature! So don’t want an incubator between us!). I just want to hold the baby and get to know it (really wish I at least knew it was a boy or girl!). Of course, they are only in our tummies for a little while and discomfort aside, it’s pretty amazing.
Jubilation! Though i have had a little bit in the morning the past couple days, yesterday afternoon and evening totally nausea free!! It’s awesome to not feel nauseated! And I mean awesome, not like casually use of the word, but really it is like awe and wonder I can’t remember what it is like to not be sick.
Now something else is beginning. Cravings are really crazy! I had some minor ones in the first trimester, but mostly I just didn’t want anything to eat. Now something pops into my head and its all I can think of and when I get it it is like the best thing in the world, ever. Any doctor who denies craving exist must be a man, and a tard, a man- tard. Or a lady who has never been pregnant, because this is weird. Sometimes it is things I haven’t eaten or thought of in years (spaghettios?). I have told myself no McDonalds, I haven’t had McDonalds since Super Size me, so far thinking of the “meat product” in the boxes on the assembly line in Food Inc has stopped me, but those fries… Last night I did go to Tommy’s and I don’t know but the combination of a small chocolate milkshake and a hot french fry, well I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, Euphoria! I have a new understanding of substance abuse problems, I never understood why you would be a drunk or use heroine before, but yesterday I just really wanted a Kiwi Strawberry Snapple, and when I had my first drink it must be what a heroine addict feels like when they get that first hit after a while? It’s just Snapple, but suddenly its not!
It’s very hard to ignore, sometimes that thing that pops into my head is just all that sounds good. I did manage some fruit yesterday in between the snapple and the fries, and of course my prenatal vitamins
Well, good thing I lost 10 pounds the first trimester huh? God does work everything to our good right??
Last thing, sleep is getting weird, getting up uncomfortable, needing to go to the potty. Some people tell me that is good so you can get up when the baby comes. My problem is that when I wake up I think, and right now I think of the baby room, that is far from a baby room right now and all that has to be moved out of it, and all that needs to be acquired to go into it, and I think of things like that and then I think I shouldn’t worry! And then I might think of Snapple or spaghettios or who know what else?
Listening to the rain pitter patter on the roof, and wishing I could stay in bed this morning. Magic second trimester energy gotta say I am not really feeling it yet, but the nausea is easing up and that is all I care about at this point!! Still not really zipping into the kitchen, but making it through the day much easier and my appetite is coming back too. I never used to eat while I teach, now I am like Brad Pitt in Oceans 11, always munching, sometimes out of hunger sometimes to fight off a little queasiness.
My husband is out of town (can’t wait until he gets back!) he is in a fancy hotel in Miami right now for a work conference. I would kind of like to be in a fancy hotel, but I will settle for my couch and a fuzzy brownish dog for company. Also of course this growing little one, this ever present person I am dying to get to know. Nov 22nd is the big ultrasound at the hospital, but we go to the doctor again Nov 10th and I am kind of hoping to find out the gender then too, and then Nov 22nd just kind of get it confirmed, we will see. At the last ultrasound I just felt sorry for the baby, it looks so squished in there! I am sure it doesn’t see it that way, that is all it has ever known, but I think about him or her a lot. I mean the brain they will have coming into this world is pretty much intact now I believe, what is it thinking? I hope all that rapid growth doesn’t cause it some kind of growing pains, it is all such a mystery in there! I think it is such a great mystery what goes on in the womb and then even in the first few months of life, all this amazing development we just kind of watch because the language isn’t there. I take a lot of comfort in the fact that it is no mystery to our creator. Psalm 139 has really spoken to me in this time, how God forms us and knits us together in the womb and has already written all our days, knowing that He is caring for my baby in the womb and understands all that is happening to the little guy or girl is so amazing. He is holding this baby until I can (which I am just dying to do, David asked what I was most excited about and that is it, I just want to get the baby into my arms!)
Now to get dressed and go to work, so hard finding short maternity pants by the way. Clothing manufacturers seem to understand that women are different heights when not pregnant, but are we supposed to get taller when we get pregnant? Some stores have them but only online which is weird. I mean really it seems there are plenty of not tall pregnant women around, and there are always a fresh supply of pregnant women, why this gap in sizes for us? When I draft “Amanda’s Law” the one that says pregnant women get the first trimester as part of maternity leave, i think I will add in a clause for clothing manufacturers and petite pants.
I have started slowly working on a registry. Some things I want to wait until we find out if its a boy or girl and I also am just trying to navigate my way through all the consumer craziness that surrounds every aspect of child rearing. Mostly I am using Amazon because I LOVE Amazon and they have everything often at better prices than other places. However, I felt like I should also put some things on a Babies R Us registry for people who might have issues shopping online for some reason (me I shop almost exclusively online!). Anyway, baby registries are more overwhelming than wedding registries I have found. I mean you may need a lot of things when you get married, but chances are you at least know what those things are. I mean I knew my way around a toaster as a young bride. Baby registries on the other hand leave you wondering what you might need, which kind of the things that you aren’t really sure what they are is best, what would a baby that hasn’t been born like, etc? For example, I am taking a cloth diapering class one evening in November just to figure out what I need in that department. It’s fun though!
The amazing part of all this was the Babies R Us registry guide. When I signed up I noticed there were all these guides to help you set up your registry, one said shop by “personality type”. Well I was too curious so I clicked on that and it said “What type of mother are you?” There was a list of 5 or so types complete with a list of registry items to fit your style. What? The types you are wondering? I know there was a trendy Mom, career Mom, city Mom, Classic Mom and Eco Earth friendly Mom. I told this to David and he said “are you a Barbie or something?”. Eco Friendly Barbie Mom comes with cloth diapers and baby birkenstocks, your little girl will love her! Our culture is pretty hilarious sometimes. I didn’t know which kind of Mom I was so I just skipped that part.
If anyone has tips about what to put or not put on a registry let me know! Oh well I am sure God will provide what baby needs and I am pretty sure we imagine a baby needs more than they really do. Still, its fun to look at things and research all this stuff.
Today I also had a pretty good nausea day, it really wasn’t too bad. I had a bit of a rough spell this evening, but today I was feeling well enough to go to Porto’s bakery on my way home from dropping hubby off at the airport (he is out of town for a bit 😦 ). That was a nice treat. So maybe I really am turning that corner. I definitely don’t have the magical energy burst yet and its not entirely gone, but I can’t imagine it will be all nine months since it does seem to be getting better 🙂
Today at inservice we watched a documentary called the Hobart Shakespeareans http://www.pbs.org/pov/hobart/ (if you are interested). It featured a very inspirational teacher working with 5th graders in south central L.A. It’s always great to see teachers like that, but of course it just got me even more excited to homeschool! For decades now I have just associated parenting with homeschooling, so much so that no other option has ever entered my mind when thinking of being a Mom. There are a million reasons I love homeschooling and I will spare you from hearing them all here, many of you reading might share my opinions and those of you that don’t probably don’t care. Here is a great blog entry that really sums up my feelings though http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2010/08/why-do-we-want-to-homeschool.html (if you are interested).
In this film this teacher has an awesome reading list for these 5th graders, we are talking Of Mice and Men, Huck Finn and of course they perform Shakespeare and spend all year really understanding it, talk about vocab building! (and none other than Ian Mckellan comes to their room once a year, aaah Gandalf) One thing that really excited me was the teacher sharing that his passion for Shakespeare came from his Dad who used the bard as bed time stories for his young son. Both that testimony and seeing the 5th graders in this inner city classroom responding to real, high quality literature renewed my belief in how low expectations hurt kids and kids can do so much more than we think! I am already reading to baby, I know he or she probably isn’t really hearing it yet, but that’s OK its more for me at this point. Still, I believe so strongly in reading to kids, I think that made me the reader I am for sure, and learning to read was easy for me because I was constantly being read to, and going to the library. I love daydreaming about reading Charles Dickens and Mark Twain to this little one! I mean I love Suess too, but I want my kids to be exposed to serious lit earlier than the average kid for sure. Seeing this film really gave me hope for how much that can work.
Now if this kid is a jock I don’t know what David and I will do LOL! All I know about football for instance I learned from Friday Night Lights. It would be a small miracle for them to get into football or baseball or something like that given their parents total lack of interest in it, but I do hope they want to be on a swim team!!!
Well, still sick but enjoying daydreaming about curriculum and my most important teaching job ever!
Got back from my second OBGYN visit. They did another ultrasound, it didn’t look as different as I had hoped since the last one, but then again baby had its head turned away from us and its legs crossed. Little one was shy today. I just can’t wait until we can see some beautiful facial features! Still great to know its doing OK growing and moving around. I am glad they do so many ultrasounds!
Honestly, I kind of thought something might be wrong with me before this visit. The first visit, I had high blood pressure they wanted to look out for, and well I have just not been feeling that much better, especially on the energy end of things. I get so dizzy and light headed all the time anymore. I really thought maybe it all was pointing to toxemia or something. Nope, I just feel like crap because I am preggers!
I really want to feel better, sometimes I think I say I am feeling better just because I want to feel better so badly. This weekend has been rough (TMI, but I had to pause in writing this in order to spew, so tired of it!!). Sometimes I think I am getting better and then BAM I am just not feeling good at all. It really is a roller coaster, sometimes I wonder if its in my head and then the vomit seems to confirm no its just the crazy changes in my body.
On the bright side, I lost 8 pounds since my last doctors visit! OK I am not really excited about that because well it just means I am nauseated all the time and also the irony of losing weight now is not lost on me. I mean I don’t feel skinny, even though 8 pounds is pretty big, I see my belly growing (which doesn’t bother me, I want to look pregnant) and am wearing stretchy pants all the time. I knew I would show early, I mean I am short and squatty, there is no where for the baby belly to go but out and possibly around! Bring on the bump!
Well I hit 13 weeks today (assuming the doctor’s office is right about the due date and everything 🙂 I was still kind of queasy in the morning so really hoping this nausea just evaporates into thin air over the next few days. It’s definitely better, but I just go through spells.
Monday I go back to the doctor, looking forward to it in a way, always nice to make sure things are OK, plus I have a few questions, one regarding this strange pain that is pretty constant in my left shoulder blade. It’s kind of tingly and sore all the time. There are some not cool sounding things associated with shoulder blade pain and pregnancy (preclampsia, gall bladder infections (which pregnant women are apparently more prone too yippee) trying not to worry or make up symptoms, I mean my body is nothing but weird right now! Plus, all the symptoms of things like toxemia are pretty much the same as regular pregnancy stuff bleck.
But so happy to be getting out of the first trimester with a baby in my belly. That first trimester is scary with concerns of miscarriage, and it’s great to move beyond that and know that the most critical part of the baby’s development when it is most fragile is pretty much complete. The baby now is about the size of a medium shrimp (lol) and has fingerprints this week, and if it is a little lady (which according to the famous “ring test” it is ???) it already has it’s little eggs in its ovaries! So crazy my grand babies could be in their too! The development of a human being is truly amazing! I love that I live in a time when ultrasounds have shown just how fast children develop in the womb its so astounding!
I think a body pillow is in my near future. I don’t think I have ever fallen asleep on my side in my life. I always sleep on my back. So we will see how that works out. I am totally itchy too, and really a belly is a weird place to be scratching in public! I think it would be cool to basically take a bath in lotion, or do as ancient romans did and bathe in olive oil.
Oh I did the dishes last night, all the dishes in my sink, and I didn’t hurl! That was a big step forward. Though I am still waiting on all that energy the second trimester is supposed to bring, I still feel super tired like all the time. Maybe just a few more days 🙂
I walked my dog for like 15 minutes this morning and had to sit down and breathe deeply when I was done. I could feel my heart pumping, what has happened to me? I am loving the nausea ebbing away to be sure. I really wasn’t queasy much today at all (fingers crossed because the day before wasn’t all rosy) 🙂 I just am really feeling like an old lady or a terribly out of shape one.
I was a regular exerciser before the nausea set in, and I know I haven’t been keeping it up because moving made me throw up for the past two months, but I am trying to step up my walking at least now that I am feeling better, and boy it doesn’t take much to feel like a work out! It’s hard to catch my breath no matter what I do!
Today was a field trip day, and not a fun field trip. I like going to the aquarium and places where we split up in little groups and run around looking at cool things, but today was a museum field trip those are the ones where I just feel tense the whole time while the little boys edge as far as they can from the group or smear their hands all over the glass. After it was over I knew I would be tired, but it had been a long time since I had been on my feet for so long it was physically exhausting!
Growing a person sure is hard work. I swear I can feel my stomach and other parts getting smooshed and moved around as the baby area grows bigger. I can still sleep on my back which is good being a back sleeper, but I know that won’t hold out forever.
Oh well, I made a real dinner last night, one of David’s favorites, organic burgers and homemade potato chips. Not the most gourmet thing around, but my husband sure was happy. I made a loaf of bread too, yay! I can hear the music from Rocky , the part where they sing “getting strong now, etc etc”, though strong may be an overstatement given how easily I feel winded, but you get the idea.