The Kitchen, my cryptonite

Today I definitely felt bad due to allergies, but for a while the nausea seemed to subside. It seems like the kitchen is the major hurdle I have to overcome. I can’t explain it, I can barely open the fridge or walk through that room without heaving. This morning I felt OK nausea wise going in, but looking around in the fridge I felt that old icky feeling again and I had to employ my Jedi mind tricks to not throw up! I definitely cannot do the dishes, and seeing dirty dishes makes me sick too. Good thing i hate doing dishes anyway. Food on the other hand I love and really miss (which I have spoken of before on here).

What did I have for dinner last night? Toast. I have a strong inclination towards sourdough toast with butter lately, and I often eat it for more than one meal, isn’t that sad? Tonight I had a bowl of cheerios (and toast for breakfast of course) My diet is so random, weird and unbalanced.  I can’t eat anything that requires more than a minute in the kitchen of course!

I know I am near the end of it, I just know it, it just keeps hanging on! On a sidenote the temperature here was 111 degrees today, maybe higher than it has ever been since I lived here! Really we don’t live in the desert!  I took a sick day, so I just sat in front of the AC, but I have to go back to work tomorrow 😦 (which I just have such a hard time with lately, work makes me depressed to be honest, I never feel like being there at all because I AM SICK) and it will still be pretty darn hot. Heat and me are not friends right now AT ALL. I may pretend to pass out, or heck I may actually pass out :\

Still, I really think overall the nausea is calming down, and I am almost through this first trimester (and I need one of the men in black to come and erase it from my mind so I can do this again in the not too distant future). I will go into my kitchen once again, and the weather will get cool as I do so, and I will bake warm wonderful things and fill my spotlessly clean home with yummy welcoming goodness again! (Do you hear the theme to “Gone with the Wind” yet? I think I do 🙂

Ups and Downs and tummies

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster, physically and emotionally this past week. At the beginning of the week I just felt I was going to turn that corner, feeling a little bit better for a couple days. Then Friday I came down with a cold (which now I think might be some kind of allergies, because it was gone yesterday but seems to be back today) and I just felt awful at work. I threw up three times that day, once at work, which really made me emotional for some reason. It seems that my throwing up time has somehow always missed work, but with the coughing and the cold it just happened and I just wanted to go crawl in a hole not deal with a room full of kids or anything else for that matter. ( I even cried a little bit at my desk) I felt really discouraged, having thought things were getting better, then to feel worse than ever all of a sudden.

I went to care group anyway that night, got prayer, and yesterday though still mega nauseated, the cold seemed to be gone. This morning i took my dog to the Wiggle Waggle Walk. It’s an event to benefit the Pasadena Humane Society, when I signed up for it and raised money, I thought it would be good for me to get some exercise and be around dogs which I love. Today was an unusually hot morning though, bad for both myself and my dog who just dies in hot weather. He collapsed in any muddy or shady spot he could find. To make matters worse, he was so wound up and crazy at the beginning because there were hundreds of dogs there he actually peed on my leg! I was waiting in line to register and I feel a burst of warmth on my leg and Arnold is peeing on me! I was stunned and grossed out. The heat and excitement of all that made me feel pretty craptacular, I made it through church but boy am I done!

One thing I like is that people now assume my stomach is a pregnant bump. I kind of doubt that it really is yet, maybe a little, but I haver never had a flat stomach, even at my most ridiculously skinny in high school when I was not eating and wearing a size 4 or some nonsense like that, even then my stomach was not flat.  But now if a shirt doesn’t totally flounce over my tummy, it doesn’t matter I just look pregnant and I am!

I know better and exciting times are just around the corner, I am just a couple days away from twelve weeks. I am dying to feel the baby start moving and to get that 18 week ultra sound and stick a name to this little one! I wish they would give us an ultrasound at each visit I know the baby has already changed and grown so much since the last one. I am reading to the baby already, though he or she probably can’t really hear me yet. We are going to read The Chronicles of Narnia to begin with 🙂 I anticipate the growing bond between us over the next few months and it helps to get through this time. I know I am so close, it just feels like I am not some days.

Why can’t pregnant ladies hibernate?

I am sooooo tired right now, counting the minutes until the students leave and I can waddle home to my couch (they are at art class now, hence the blogging break).  There was a bomb scare at school today. Yes that is weird, and no I was not scared ( I lived in Beirut for a while, a bomb threat does not bother me, I mean a bomb with a warning? In beirut you just hope you aren’t in the wrong place at the wrong time) I am just annoyed that it made me hurry. I get a call on my lunch break that we are evacuating the kids, so I run (or something close to running) back to the school from my home (I live two minutes from work). I run back and we take all the kids out to a ball field across the street where we are told they will be picked up by parents as soon as they are notified. I offer to go back and get some balls and toys for the kids because of course I really have to go to the bathroom anyway bomb or no! I get the balls and begin waddling back to the ball field when a teacher runs up saying it was nothing, someone received a metronome in the mail and the kids are to come back to the class rooms. Leave the balls get the kids and now I feel like I am at Everest base camp or something. Can’t breath, legs hurt and I feel dizzy. Pregnant ladies should NEVER be asked to hurry anywhere except when their water breaks. It does not make me feel good to hurry, it makes me dizzy and sometimes queasy and also grumpy!

On the bright side I feel like I can see a light at the end of the queasy tunnel. It’s not gone yet, but I feel like somehow it seems to be feeling a little less over the past couple days, I still have my moments , but it seems I can go into the kitchen without automatic heaves. Last night I had the small victory of whipping up some bruschetta for my neglected husband and myself and I didn’t heave once! Today before it was rudely interrupted I made and ate a real lunch with no issues. Granted I feel like passing out from fatigue right now and a little light headed, but I really hope I continue on this upward swing and get over the nausea in the upcoming days!

One last thing, I found this list of pregnancy symptoms I really like. I am always looking up new weird things everyday to see if they are normal and associated with pregnancy and they always are (i.e. being too hot, having feet and hands feel like they are falling asleep) and this nice little chart seems to have it all!

http://www.franklypregnant.com/symptoms.html

Frumperella

Ten weeks and three days and still queasy. This is going to be one of the things you look back on and wonder how you did it? It’s going to be something I will really feel bad when my daughter (really hope at least one of our kids is a girl!!! I can’t help it!!!) has to go through with it.

I did really enjoy church this morning and then got home and felt too sick to move, but anyway. I totally frumped it to church. I just threw on some baggy jeans and T shirt and my old tennis shoes. No make up and a head band to hide the fact that my hair was a mess. I was on this fighting the frump kick before I got pregnant, throwing on a little make up, wearing lots of skirts etc, but now i just find it really hard to care what I look like. I know that taking the time to look decent can improve your mood, at least for me, but right now just not feeling sick would improve my mood.  I still enjoy jewelry though 🙂 I do put on the occasional earrings or necklace as a pick me up. This frumpy thing is a good example of how easy it is to not feel like a complete human right now. I don’t enjoy food, clothes, and just moving around in general. It’s hard to enjoy things right now fully. Hurry up second trimester!!

I really want to know more about this person growing inside me at such a furious pace. I know they will be a constant discovery for years to come, but if I could just know if its a boy or a girl that would really help!! I want to start calling the baby by a name instead of just baby, and think of what things it might enjoy and know better how to pray for it and yes know what kind of clothes I can buy!  Also, I want my tummy to be big enough that I don’t just look weird when I pat it 😉

It’s getting hot in here

If I wasn’t pregnant I would be afraid menopause was setting in way early! I feel hot so easy these days, which after consulting the net is normal discomfort with pregnancy. I love how every kind of symptom that is uncomfortable is a normal part of pregnancy!! The mornings and evenings are nice, a slight fall chill is in the air but I find myself getting super cranky around noon when the sun starts heating things up, and of course no AC in my classroom. I am not a fan of hot weather in general, but being hot and nauseated just seems unbearable. Sometimes I get home and take cool baths. It’s not even that hot I know, it just feels so much more hot to me! Darn basal body temperature.

On another note I am wearing more maternity clothes, and I am so glad I am. I may never wear regular clothes again. I haven’t gained weight, but I just love having the added stretchiness and looseness around those changing areas of my body.  I am loving this site http://www.emommie.com/ its a big discount maternity site, with new and slightly used clothes. Everything I have gotten used has been in great condition, and though the shipping is a little steep it comes super fast and I feel both the convenience and discounted prices make it more than worth it.  Of course if you know me, you know I am devoted to online shopping and having whatever I can delivered to my house, especially now that I have so little time when I am not totally nauseated. Not happy that old navy maternity pants don’t come in a short length by the way, I am a petite girl, their pants are cheap but too long for me! They have short jeans for non pregnant girls, why discriminate against the vertically challenged pregnant women? We already look more ridiculous pregnant than tall girls!

pity party and closet space

Alright, feel free to skip this part, pregnant lady pity party for a bit-

Ten weeks and feeling super sick tonight. Needless to say I am really ready to not feel like this. What can you say? People are always asking me how I am feeling, I know its out of kindness, but I’m really tired of saying I am sick. Plus, I am getting tired of TV. I mean I don’t want to watch reruns of 90210 I don’t! When the queasy comes on so strong though I just don’t know what to do, I can’t even sit up to work a puzzle and I just want to be distracted! I think I will run a simple errand or do some light housework in the evenings and bam I just start feeling so nauseated I can’t do anything. It’s not always like that, sometimes I can manage so then I wonder is it mental? Why so sick sometimes and other times kind of OK? I definitely think evenings are the worst for me for the most part. The fall return of my favorite shows will be appreciated I suppose, gosh I miss Lost.

OK pity party over, I had a startling realization today. My baby has no closet space! I saw a link to some cute baby closet organizers and I realized OMG some major reorganizing is going to have to happen to make room for baby clothes. I think this is just one of the first of many thoughts about baby needs. There is sooo much to think about, and I am sure as I come out of the first trimester fog I will be bombarded by random things that we need or or need to change to get ready for the little one. I can’t wait to have energy to deal with things, as opposed to just have them pop into my head while laying on the couch. It seems like this will never end and the baby will never come, but I know that is really not the case at all and before I know it we will be strapping the itty bitty scoggins into its car seat for the first time and bringing it home.  I so want that day to come, but at the same time, talk about to do lists!

Ultrasounds and a season of weird clothes

Well needless to say getting our first glimpse of the baby at the first ultrasounds was amazing! The little one sure was moving around in there! Hearing the heart beat was a comfort too, there really is a person in there! It was probably really good for David because unlike me he isn’t constantly confronted with being pregnant! I think getting that look is really giving me strength through the nausea and dizziness and fatigue, etc etc. Also, making it even harder to not think about baby scoggins all the time. My mind at work, well its just not at work, I can’t help but feel like “where am I?” “why are you asking me questions?”  “Why are all these kids that are not mine constantly talking to me?”. So thankful for God’s timing with all of this and the knowledge that when the baby comes I get to be a Mom first and foremost.

I really can’t stress enough how grateful I am for yesterdays ultrasound, it’s so easy to get discouraged when you are sick all the time and it just really helped me get excited and feel a fresh bond with what is going on inside of me. One small prayer request, though the doctor said I was really healthy in general, they took my blood pressure three times because it was a little high. I have no history of high blood pressure, so they are going to be watching it. Prayers that it just goes down by the next visit and that I don’t have to worry about hypertension or toxemia would be appreciated.

On another note, i often leave my house wondering if I look ridiculous these days. I am feeling increasingly uncomfy in clothes. If I could just wear sweat pants all the time it would be OK, but I can’t. I am not ready for full on maternity pants of course, and I haven’t actually gained any weight (I actually lost a pound) but things are just moving around and expanding I can tell. It’s hard to describe but clothes just are not doing it for me right now. so today I am wearing a maternity T shirt that isn’t too obvious a denim skirt that I can’t explain, it is too big for me, like three sizes too big for me, honestly I do not know why it was in my closet at all, but now it seems like it might work for a transition skirt, and some maternity leggings underneath, they are a little on the baggy side for leggings, but I just want soft and stretchy on all the time! It’s a very awkward phase as far as clothes go to be sure! Everyday is a hunt into my closet for some oversized and clean piece of clothing that I can wear to work.  I have decided I am going to go full on maternity clothes just as soon as I can.

Birth plan? what the what?

My Mom had four kids, I swear she never said anything about having a “birth plan”? When you get pregnant you suddenly find yourself swimming in a sea of opinions about having a baby, very emotional ones too. I want advice, I mean I don’t know what I am doing here, but I am almost afraid to ask people anymore because just mention your expecting and you could be in for a litany of overwhelming info and emotional women telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. Half of the things they talk about I have to go google later (like a birth plan, I swear I had never heard of one, but apparently if you don’t have one you suck!).

I feel guilty that I just can’t care. Most of the time when people talk to me here is what I am thinking “don’t throw up girl!”, that is what I am thinking pretty much all the time actually.  So I just am finding it hard to read all the books I planned on reading and watch all the documentaries I should on all things baby! I can’t make dinner so no I don’t really want to research midwives right now. I feel guilty about this, I want to want to talk about and obsess over these things, but I am sick all the time! Plus, its overwhelming as it is and you just aren’t sure who to listen to. There is so much advice on so many things and people just seem to feel so strongly about things, like you will be a horrible person if you do X, you really need to think about X.  I need to stop hurling ladies, thats what I need right now!

So for now this is my “birth plan”  – Get it out of me! Really, hasn’t this worked for thousands of women through the centuries anyway. I just want to hold that baby, whether the doctors cut or I push I really don’t care, I just want it to come out! (though i gotta be honest, the surgical procedure sounds a little easier than pushing it out of my body at times, hate on me if you want, but I am just saying I don’t think a C section is the end of the world).  I am sure in my second trimester I will become a nut, doing nothing but research, maybe I will have this elaborate birth plan, I want to give birth on a mountain top, and I want tribal dancing all around me and when it comes out David is to hold it up like Simba in the Lion King, or something like that, but for now I just want to get through this first trimester and daydream about holding that baby,  however it comes out!

Frustrated Foodie

Food is really one of my love languages. I love to cook and especially bake. I love to feed people, and I love to feed myself. Not cooking for my husband is hard for me, not cooking for myself is hard for me as well. Plus, baking is relaxing for me, one of my main hobbies. Normally on a lazy labor day such as this I would have wonderful smells bursting forth from the oven, mixing a good part of the day away. Today, my main task is just a sink load of dishes, can I do it without hurling?

At first, not having to cook all the time is kind of nice, my husband is gone a lot right now and my job is starting back up, so having a break from thinking about dinner is OK. Now I feel like the lack of bread baking, etc is a piece of me I am missing. I daydream about baking, but then I start to feel queasy sometimes just doing that!

I worry about weight gain with this pregnancy, because I foresee one hungry lady in the second trimester, full of motivation to make up for lost time in the kitchen and the idea in my head that “hey I am eating for two right?”. I think one day soon everything is going to sound good!

One last foodie gripe, the few things I do want are decidedly ungourmet! Even worse, some of the things I really want (Chick fil A and philly cheese steaks) not really around here at all!!

beyond nausea?

Who knew you could get used to throwing up and feeling like throwing up? I always hated throwing up, ever since I was little it just really bothered me, I was the kid who would see other kids throw up and then throw up myself because it grossed me out so much. ( I spent a lot of time watching the Janitor put down sawdust when I was little) I gotta say in my 8th week of pregnancy it’s pretty normal, discouraging, but normal.

I am getting by I suppose, mercifully the worst of it always seems to come before or after work so far, and hey it’s probably only a few more weeks right? Plus, with all the milk  I drink I am not going to be going to the ER anytime soon for lack of fluids and nutrients.  I wish I was eating only wonderful healthy things, but yesterday at the movies I felt awful until I ate some popcorn? Sometimes ice cream seems like the only thing I can eat, etc etc. I try and get some fresh fruit down everyday at least. I wish I was exercising too, but moving around for prolonged periods of time inevitably leads to major queasiness and unpleasant results.

So anyway, I am trying to really start thinking again about how great it is that I am pregnant and trying to distract myself from the symptoms. I am trying to master the force and using Jedi mind tricks on myself to stop myself from vomiting too.  I feel like I am kind of living in a fog, so sick half the time and tired the rest, but I really want to get beyond that. I guess in a few weeks I will, but even now in the midst of it I would like to feel like a person you know? Thankfully, my husband is quite understanding, and though I feel bad for Arnold because he isn’t getting the same kind of walks and dog park/beach experiences, it’s nice that I don’t have a human child who is totally dependent on me during this time, which will be a whole new challenge I will probably have the next time around 😉  I know there is better times ahead in this pregnancy, until then I will try not to feel guilty for my couch time and bizarre eating I guess.