What I am going through is”completely normal”. Countless women through the ages have experienced the same or worse. It’s so much harder than you think it would be, but it seems like the nausea and exhaustion is this quiet burden most women bear in their life. So yeah, that’s somewhat comforting I suppose, and in a strange way I feel a little more grown up?
I don’t mean to equate pregnancy with maturity, but hey it is a pretty big life experience and since I am going through all this I am hoping to see some reason for it!! I mean, it’s easy to just blame it all on Eve, but what about Romans 8:28? Though I am living in a kind of weird queasy fog most of the time, and am reeling from starting back to work, I think all the symptoms and going through this in some small way are preparing me for being a mommy. I mean I remember all that my Mom did for me, heck I remember when she was having horrible morning sickness of her own and preggers with my little brother, she was up making me spaghettios to put in my thermos at 7 AM for lunch! Mom never got to take a break from being Mom with four kids born from the age of 16 up until her 40’s!! My life is never going to just be mine anymore, I mean there is a little of that when you become a wife, but having someone so totally dependent on you changes everything! So right now when I am tempted to despair over feeling like crap and like a stranger in my own body, I like so many other women, will just deal with it, because that’s what mom’s do. Somebody else comes first!
So there is a person forming inside of me, pretty heavy stuff! Is it silly that I already worry about what it might think and feel in my belly. I feel bad it has no means of communication with the world for nine months. I am guessing baby is in a dream like state until coming out into the world? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can’t concentrate on things.
I think a major reason for this is the frequently feeling awful that goes with the first trimester. It’s just hard to get focused on anything when you feel like throwing up or you are having a dizzy spell. Beyond that my mind is just always wondering back to baby matters whenever I am not feeling sick. I think I am already getting forgetful too. It makes meetings even less profitable at work of course (school uniforms are you kidding me, my child is growing arms and legs in here people!?). Its gonna be a weird year at school that is for sure.
Even books or TV (which I watch way too much of because when I am not at work all I can seem to do is lay on the couch) I seem to engage in a haze. I can imagine by that 40th week I will be so ready to get this little one out! I know for the physical discomfort of course, but just nine months of mental build up will be driving me nuts! I mean labor is not something I am stoked about, but the waiting seems like a heavy burden to bear as well.
I am not excited about back to school this year, I just want to lay on my couch in front of the AC all day! (and that is all I can seem to do as soon as I get home). I started back to work getting my classroom ready and attending meetings, and adjusting last minute to a new grade and new classroom (grrr). I planned this pregnancy just right, really I did, but I feel so miserable at work right now. the queasiness, the fatigue, I just find it hard to not be a grump. Also, I am just really ready to transition into this new phase in my life, mommyhood and from there a new much lighter workload (private English tutoring or teaching one community college class at a time). I have liked my time at Judson and appreciated it, I am just having some major senioritis I guess you could say, and that combined with first trimester woes feels like a pretty big mountain to climb this week.
BUT, I only have to make it to mid April and given all the full time jobs I could have Judson is a great place to be, I get home 3:30 most days, everyone is a supportive Christian that I work with, and most of them have been pregnant at one time too! It’s just so hard to be there mentally, because for one I feel awful most of the time, and secondly um I am having a baby!!!
Anyone else get grouchy and impatient around this time?
I took 7 at home pregnancy tests when I got pregnant, and three urine tests at the doctor’s. For some reason the doctors office tests were always “weak positives” and it took the blood test for them to confirm I was indeed pregnant. I just kept peeing on sticks because it made me feel better, I mean I pretty much knew I was pregnant, but the fact the Kaiser wouldn’t 100% confirm it was weirding me out! I thought after that ordeal I could put a hold on urine tests for a while, nope I get one every time I go to see the doc from here on out! Sigh…
Trying every remedy around for nausea, preggie pops (thanks to a friend at church), ginger tea, ginger ale, ginger candy, ginger root will be delivered by my grocery delivery service Wednesday, eating a handful of cheerios before even getting out of bed in the morning, I even ordered one of the acupuncture bracelets for nausea because someone said those helped them. Sometimes I am OK, but then the next minute I am losing my lunch! It’s hard not to always be wondering when it will hit next.
It’s good to have things rolling at the doctor’s though. I guess Kaiser permanente was not as excited as me to find out I was pregnant, the OBgyn doesn’t want to see me until I am 8-10 weeks along, but I went in for a bunch of paperwork and blood tests and a urine test 🙂 today. September 13th is our first visit with the doctor and our first ultrasound! We won’t know the gender but it is still exciting, and I am pretty sure we will get to hear that heart beat too! As I kneel at the porcelain altar I just try and think of holding that baby!
So before church, David takes a bath, I go in notice the tub is not draining and there is water all over the floor. I try and flush the toilet, it does not flush, I plunge and notice not only is it not working, but the tub is suddenly filling with disgusting toilet water! This must be one of the top then worst things a pregnant lady in the first trimester can wake up to! (At least in America or Europe, I know I am so spoiled). I mean a working toilet kind of crucial right now, and the thought of all that muck to clean up on a queasy stomach yuck! Anyway, call campus security to see if I can find an on call maintenance guy to come out, and head to church hoping for the best. Thankfully, they do send someone out.
We get to go to lunch at our care group leaders home with other couples from church, so great to fellowship after a couple weeks away from church. So great to be in a church surrounded by Moms at different stages too! After leaving Ohio I felt really sad leaving my Mom. I am used to living far away now, but this was different leaving being pregnant. I think I will really get to see God provide through our church family in this time and that is so awesome, because it has been a long time since we really had a church family. This was really brought home to me, when my care group leader Kim came over right after lunch and cleaned my bathroom because she had heard about the disaster this morning! What an encouragement, I felt embarrassed at how messy my house was (housework has kind of been on the backburner lately for me and David is gone so much right now) but just having that kind of support from other believers is awesome. I hope I can really be he same way to others in the church (and outside the church of course) It was a great reminder of what Jesus calls us to in loving and serving in everyday real life.
I understand how great exercise is. I was on a pretty good schedule before getting pregnant and getting pregnant was one of my big motivations to exercise. I wanted to be a healthy mom! Same went for eating right. So I totally get why all the doctors and books and articles tell you how important exercise and diet is when you are pregnant. HOWEVER, lets be real, when walking around or turning over in bed make you want to hurl, what kind of exercise can you really manage?? I manage to walk my dog once a day and that feels like a mammoth feat in itself. This inability to exercise is rather depressing in itself. I am not one of those people who just lives for the morning run or their time at the gym. No, if I didn’t need to exercise I wouldn’t, but now that I feel that nice disciplined routine I had going slipping away from my queasy self, well I feel a little dejected…
Worse for me is the food thing. I may be ambivalent about exercise, but not food, I love food. And now I get 300 extra calories a day, sanctioned by the medical community! I am encouraged to eat more??? How wonderful right?? Well, it would be except that most of the time food makes me want to be sick! And it’s so weird, its not like any other kind of nausea I have had before. Sometimes I can eat, but only really specific things. Mostly I don’t want anything, but if I don’t make my self eat bland little crackers, etc I feel even more sick. Plus, if you know me, you know I have shunned so much proccessed food and am a pretty big advocate for organic foods, but it seems like the really random things I occasionally want to eat are horrible things I havent had in years, like the cinnamon pop tart! I am more or less accepting for at least a few more weeks, I am kind of just eating what I can handle and hoping that the second trimester I can have some kind of detox with all the perfect things I am eating??
So I really really wanted to be pregnant and I was so thankful that it only took about a month for me to pass a pregnancy test! I got pregnant exactly when I wanted to be! I want to be thrilled and happy 24/7, but what I am is sick and tired! I am a teacher, but summer vacation is hastening to an end and I have waves of nausea all day long and other “tummy troubles” and pregnancy narcolepsy! How do I get through this first trimester? I can’t wait until its over (and these symptoms better chill once this trimester is over!) I knew that morning sickness was a likely burden I would have to bear, but now that I am in the midst of it I feel like I never saw it coming. I just didn’t think it would be quite like this. The first week or so it was so mild I kind of thought it would be no problem, but it just seems to escalate. Why isn’t the first trimester part of maternity leave?